The task
Students were asked to tell a story of something they did during the
winter recess. After sharing the story with a small group of students,
they were asked to draft the story. This student drafted, revised,
redrafted, edited, and eventually produced a final copy of "The
Game." The first draft was written in a notebook. The second,
third, and final versions are reproduced here.
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Circumstances of performance
This sample of student work was produced under the following conditions: |
| alone |
in a group |
| in class |
as homework |
| with teacher feedback |
with peer feedback |
| timed |
opportunity for revision |
What the work shows
 c
Writing: The student produces a narrative
account (fictional or autobiographical) that: |
| • |
engages the reader by
establishing a context, creating a point of view, and otherwise
developing reader interest; |
| • |
establishes a situation,
plot, point of view, setting, and conflict (and for autobiography,
the significance of events); |
| • |
creates an organizing
structure; |
| • |
includes sensory details
and concrete language to develop plot and character; |
| • |
excludes extraneous details
and inconsistencies; |
| • |
develops complex characters; |
| • |
uses a range of appropriate
strategies, such as dialogue and tension or suspense; |
| • |
provides a sense of closure
to the writing. |
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 The work
engages the reader by immediately establishing the context of the
narrative with the title and the first two sentences. The repetition
of “front row seats” in the first two sentences helps to
create a mood of excitement. This repetition also introduces the persona
of an excited fan. The enthusiasm and excitement of the work continues
to engage the reader while giving the narrative an authentic voice.
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This
work sample illustrates a standard-setting performance for
the following parts of the standards:
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| c |
Writing: Produce a narrative account.
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 a |
Conventions: Demonstrate
a basic understanding of the rules of the English language. |
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The student established a plot, setting, and conflict
through the commentary which adopts the style and tone of professional
sports commentaries. This style is constructed using the following
techniques:
 short,
pithy sentence structures;
 use
of the present tense to comment on the action of the game;
 while
the rest of the narrative is written in the past tense;
 use
of basketball jargon; and
 suspense. |
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These techniques also make the description of the game immediate
and exciting.
The student used the sequential play-by-play recounting of the game
to create a narrative structure. The student also included a time-out
that allows for a conversation between the protagonist and his grandfather.
The dialogue includes concrete language which helps to develop the
relationship between the characters and gives the reader some background
information about the grandfather.
 The student
used the metaphor of a dark cloud to convey the notion that the
Knicks were having bad luck.
The work avoids extraneous details and information as the sports
commentary style of the language, along with the structure, helps
to keep the narrative focused.
 The student
used clear transitions between the narrative of the day at the game
and the commentary on the game. This is also made clear by the repeated
switches in the tenses.
| b
Conventions, Grammar, and Usage of
the English Language: The student analyzes and subsequently
revises work to clarify it or make it more effective in communicating
the intended message or thought. The student’s revisions
should be made in light of the purposes, audiences, and contexts
that apply to the work. Strategies for revising include: |
| • |
adding or deleting details; |
| • |
adding or deleting explanations; |
| • |
clarifying difficult
passages; |
| • |
rearranging words, sentences,
and paragraphs to improve or clarify meaning; |
| • |
sharpening the focus; |
| • |
reconsidering the organizational
structure. |
The student added details in the course of the revisions. For
example, the information about the grandfather appears in the
third version while the date did not appear until the fourth
draft.
 The
student responded to a peer revision suggestion by changing
all of the numerals to words except for the scores.
 The
student changed words such as “face off” to “tip
off” to keep the language consistent and appropriate to
the sport. The vocabulary throughout the work shows precise
word choices, e.g., “stunned,” “mediocre,”
some of which were added in at later stages of the revision.
 This
draft went through a peer review process. The students indicated
spelling and typographical errors and made suggestions for the
writer. At the bottom of the first page, the peer reviewers
created a legend to explain the symbols they used for commenting
on the narrative. These errors were then corrected in the final
draft.
Since the organizing structure and the order of events closely
follows the order of the game, no substantial revisions of structure
were made in the revision process.
 The
student, however, replaced a paragraph of the narrative with
a much more effective dialogue.
The student demonstrated an understanding of the rules of the
English language in paragraphing, spelling, punctuation, and
sentence construction. The student attempted a sophisticated
combination of tenses—the present for the commentary on
the game and the past as the narrative frame. Unfortunately,
there are some places where the student did not manage to maintain
these parallel structures consistently. As a consequence, there
are places where the juxtaposition of the two tenses could cause
reader confusion. |
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The student provided a sense of closure to the writing and
conveyed the enthusiasm and joy felt when the Wolves won the
game. Although formulaic, the final sentence (followed by
three exclamation points) is a conclusion commonly used by
sports commentators to end their presentations.
sentence
fragments and one word sentences;
upper
case letters for whole words in the middle of a sentence;
